For the Love of Newts

I’ve always looked upon my friends with mammalian pets with a little jealousy. My nonhuman best friend is a newt. While my friends give their puppies hugs and run their kitten’s bellies, I chip blocks of frozen bloodworms with dull knives. When my friends whisper secrets to their rabbits or guinea pigs, I scrub algae off a rock. When a child gets their first hamster, it’s cooed ever and poked and prodded. When someone gets their first newt, it’s met by screams of “get it away from me!” Not to mention that newts carry salmonella and excrete neurotoxins. But you should be fine if you wash your hands and stuff.

But sometimes, when I catch a glimpse of scratches left by a cat who did not want to be bathed, or the hair left by an overeager dog, I smile to myself and silently praise the docile amphibian. My newt may not do cool tricks, but he's not going to eat my favourite earphones or pee on my rug. He might not come running to the door when I come home, but he's not going to bite or scratch me either. Best of all, he's not going to cause any allergies, which is more than I can say for cats.

But I still feel absurd when I whisper secrets to him. You just can't tell your secrets to an amphibian.

(So I should have been writing university applications, but, I got sidetracked into this.)

In Soviet Russia, Newspaper reads you!

Let me share with you my favourite way to waste a day:
The ironically titled Pravda news website.

Why so Ironic? Gather around children, it's really simple explanation time.
Pravda is Russian for "truth". And yet, the front page of that site reports its top story as

"Thank You Massachusetts For Killing Me"

Oh, so it's like the Onion? You ask.
No, unfortunately, this site takes itself VERY SERIOUSLY.

History buffs who avidly study the Russian communist revolution will recall that the leading newspaper of the Soviet Union had the same name. Indeed, it did, but it died in 1991 when the Soviet Union died. This site is unaffiliated with the historical newspaper, but it is run by former Pravda employees. Which begs the question, what were they reporting when it was an official newspaper if it's being run by the same people?

Some of my favourite articles?
"Aggressive Blonde Creatures Are Very Bad at Getting Jokes" in the Society Section..
"3D Films Can Make You Paranoid " In Science..
"Poland is Cruising for a Bruising; US Eating Its Own Vomit" In Opinion...

Not to mention the entire series done on an alien supposedly found in an attic. (Generally believed by the rest of the world to be a mummified fetus)

And thus concludes another blog post done when I should have been doing something else.

I WISH I COULD SPEAK CAPS-LOCK

TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS KIND OF FUN SOMETIMES. I MEAN, SURE YOU GET THE URGE TO CAPITALIZE YOUR I'S WHICH IN TURN DECAPITALIZES THEM. (IS DECAPITALIZATION A WORD?)

HOWEVER, I CAN SEE THE DISADVANTAGES OF ALL CAPITALS, NAMELY THAT IT TAKES UP A LOT OF SPACE ON THE LINES, AND THE LACK OF DISTANCE BETWEEN MY LETTERS MAKES IT A LITTLE HARD TO READ.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S LIKE WATCHING A BILLY MAYS COMMERCIAL. OXYCLEAN! MIGHTY PUTTY! I DON'T KNOW WHY THE VOICE THAT READS CAPS READS IT IN A BILLY MAYS-YELL BUT IT'S FUN. IT'S LIKE READING EPIC THINGS IN THE VOICE OF MORGAN FREEMAN.

I WONDER IF I CAN TYPE SOMETHING DOCILE IN ALL CAPS.
"THE FLUFFY LITTLE BUNNY SKIPPED THROUGH THE PINK COTTON CANDY AND WAS QUICKLY TRAPPED IN THE SUGARY CONFECTION. IT STARTED TO STRUGGLE, WHICH MADE THE CANDY HOLD ON TIGHTER. AND SOON, IT DROWNED, WITH PINK SUGAR IN ITS LUNGS"

THAT WAS TERRIFYING.



RIP BILLY MAYS. YOU WILL BE IMMORTALIZED BY THE INFOMERCIAL INDUSTRY

HEY KIDS

Why is it that I'm the only person that still likes clowns?
Sure, It ruined clowns for most people, but if I were to follow that logic, hills should have been ruined by The Hills Have Eyes, and dusty deserted roads with rusty cars following you should have been ruined by Jeepers Creepers. Oh wait. Yes, deserted roads with aggressively driven rusty cars were always "creepy" weren't they?

Anyways, I just don't see what is so horrible about clowns. I mean, when you disregard It, and maybe John Wayne Gacy, clowns aren't evil in the least. What's one clowny serial killer amongst all the others? Clowns are just so happy! On the outside of course, on the inside they could secretly hate life, but that isn't exclusive to clowns.

Enough with this pansying about the scariness of clowns, people! Suck it up, and start hiring clowns for your birthdays. After all, I want there to be a market for when I join clown college...

Oooa

"Oooa" Said the squash
"Hi" Said Jimmy
"Oooa" Said the squash, quite persistently.
"What a foul mouthed squash!" Said Jimmy's mother, frowning with distaste as she quickly led Jimmy away.
"Oooa" Said the squash.

Thus, the squash avoided being consumed for another day. But this was not the type of life the squash had hoped for.

In its youth, the squash was the brightest of his class, a rising star. It was quite proficient in the linguistic arts, and was quite creative with its insults. After high school it was accepted into a prestigious university, and decided to major in Offensive Vernacular. This, was considered by many a waste of such brilliance. A squash, the first of its kind to be accepted into this university, studying such a useless major? A shame! But none the less, the squash persisted, and graduated at the top of the class. It moved in with some of its new friends to a smallish apartment in the area populated by graduates.

This was a new start for the squash, and its mind was filled with bright new ideas about decorating the new apartment, purchasing furniture, and things of that sort. But, first, it needed employment. With a degree from such a well know school, who would reject it? Alas, the job offers did not come flying in, so the squash decided to go out and meet its fate.

However, it soon discovered that finding a job with a degree in the offensive arts was much more difficult than it previously thought. Turns out, no one wanted to hire a squash to swear at things, in fact, no one wanted to hire a squash at all. Eventually, it began falling behind on its rent payments, and got kicked out by its friends.

"We're tired of you, you deadbeat!" they said, as they hurled his stuff out the window. And so, the squash sadly rolled away.

It tried begging for change, but no one had sympathy for a squash. In a last ditch attempt, it tried to gain employment at the grocery store. But. alas, it was mistaken for produce, and promptly placed amongst the other squash. It was surrounded by its lesser cousins, and whittled its days away plotting an escape. Days and weeks passed as it planned, and it felt itself progressively loosing freshness. This is a crucial part of its plan, if it can avoid being eaten long enough, the employees will have no choice but to set it free again. Soon, it will be free, but for now, the squash waits.

"My what a delicious looking squash"

69!

Yes, this is the 69th post.
I'm just being immature now...

69!

Makes me want to tell bad jokes and stuff.


...
Real posts coming soon

I can't believe I forgot!

I had completed another item on my list way before. (March)

Masquerade! Granted, I wasn't holding it. But I'm a terrible hostess, so it was probably for the best. Anyway. I wore the mask I got from Venice which looks a little like this


Okay, it looks exactly like that, because that is the mask I wore. The more observant ones will notice that it is also not a picture of me. That's just because I couldn't find one of me and the mask together. That picture is from a masquerade-like themed get together on the cruise I went on in the summer, though, no one really wore masks, and it was more of a "I'll wear your mask and you can wear mine!" thing. Which, explains the picture.. somewhat.

I don't really have much else to say... So. I guess I'll go into a totally different tangent now.

I Probably put too much of myself onto teh interwebz

This blog, forums, facebook, random sites, etc. I probably divulge more information than I really should. Everything is on the internet in one way or another. It probably won't take too long to find if one was a dedicated googler. But it doesn't really bother me as much as it should.

The way I see it, you can live in the dark ages, and fear the internet, or you can embrace the internet and everything it can do for you. People already date/hook up/buy groceries/ chat/gather/plot/etc on the internet, why should it be unreasonable for me to expect it to take out my laundry one day? Being raised in a family where both my parents depend on evolving computer technology for their jobs, I've always had up to date computers, operating systems, and always fairly up to date on computer trends. So, it's really no surprise that I spend a lot of quality time with my laptop, Fred.

The internet is everything for me! It plans, and organizes, I can share my thoughts (here), talk to my friends even if they're far away and awkward on the phone, and I can encounter totally random people all over the world (Omegle/rest of the internet) So, what I mean is: I love the internet!

I should blog about Fred...
In due time.

Vrrrroooommm Vrrrrrrr

What does Shiying want most right now?
This.


What? Yes. I would like a crotch rocket. Or more specifically, a Ducati Monster 690/6whatevers

But Shiying! Why a motorcycle?
Because they are clearly the sexiest/most amazing/amusing things on the planet. Also, what is there not to love about a leather suit? Sure, they're marginally more dangerous than cars, but I'm also probably not going to try going 5000000 km/h on the highway. (Deserted road, maybe)

But why not one of the ______ motorcycles?
I am short. This bike is short.

How are you paying for this?
Like I know... I'll get a real job or something that regular people do.

Why are you asking and answering these as questions instead of just writing about it?
Because I can.

So, really. I would love a motorcycle right now. Though really, any short crotch rocket will do, this is just the most awesome one. Now to see what takes precedence over my future.. Magnetic climbing wall, motorcycle, car, awesome loft, pony, pony, pony....
I'm going to need lots and lots of monies..

I can stop any time I want.

When you're falling asleep and all you can think about is tetris, you know you have a problem. Personally, I love tetris. If it wasn't for the imminent threat of carpal tunnel, I would play tetris all day. But there's other things I'd also do all day long. And so, here is a list of them, to appease the blogging gods.

1) Tetris (duh). I don't know why I like tetris so much, but I do.

2) Freecell. Or more specifically, winning at freecell. Currently I'm at 81 consecutive wins. (I need to get out more) Though, that number is partially achieved by cheating the system. For this, I can blame my parents. As a small child, they used to try and amuse me with freecell and minesweeper on our ghetto microsoft 19-something.

3) Sweetened Condensed Milk. I love the stuff, unfortunately it comes with enough sugar to melt your teeth on the spot.

4) Web Comics. First, it was just Cyanide and Happiness, common enough to not seem dorky I suppose. Then XKCD came along, and along with that came Questionable content, and Dinosaur comics, and... well. Let's just say, I spend a good amount of time on Monday, Wednesday and Friday checking the comics. (QC updates everyday. It's superb)

5) Caffarel Chocolate. Not just any chocolate it's italian. Okay, but really. This stuff is the best chocolate I've ever consumed (and I have eaten a lot of chocolate). The family first got some when we were returning from Italy. After some hardcore googling, my parents located a store in Windsor that sold it, so every so often, We aquire some more from my dad's friend in Windsor. (Currently muching through the millionth bag. Delicious.)

6) The internet. 'nuff said.

7)

(Okay, I posted that because I remembered it as "Hopelessly addicted to you" But Pushing Daisies is awesome.)

I'm going to get abandonment issues from Omegle

Stranger: hello
You: people keep leaving me!
You:
You: Hi
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hi :D

You: :E hi!

Stranger: where u from ?

You: :F ?

You: :G!

You: :H

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: male? female?

You: I'm blogging about it.

Stranger: you are super cool

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

It's like an abusive relationship that you keep crawling back too...
In any case: I leave you with a ridiculous/lulz video

OMeGle

Omegle is the best thing ever!
It's like a chat room, except you don't choose who you get hooked with, and there are no names. Simply "you" and "Stranger"
Sure, it sounds like a perfect creeper site, but you also get to hold the most random conversations ever. Today, I found one person who did not like cheese, and another one that showed me that dairy isn't all that bad. I talked with one guy about beards, and to shampoo or not to shampoo. And so much more!

Of course, sure, there are total losers that are trying to find naked pictures of you/your sister/your female neighbour/any female in reach.

BUT.
You get total awesome stuff like this:

You: isn't this exciting?

Stranger: hell yeah!

Stranger: its ok

Stranger: better than anything i was previously doing

You: which was?

Stranger: drinking beer and teaching myself multivariable calculus

Stranger: now im drinking beer and talking to strangers!

hehe. Now I'll get back to talking with strangers

more!

Stranger: Andrew?
You: No
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Stranger: Tacos!
You: Are you andrew?
Stranger: No
You: oh
Stranger: I'm a Taco!
You: okay. what about tacos?
You: I see.
Stranger: what are yOu?
You: I am lettuce
Stranger: Then i want you inside of me!


Stranger: Hey

You: Are you a taco too :(?

Stranger: No?

You: or alternately, andrew?

Stranger: wtf?

You: k good

Stranger: I'm Norwegian.

Stranger: I eat whale

:) Omegle is awesome

EDIT. I FOUND HIM.

You: are you andrew?
Stranger: yeh
You: woah!
Stranger: why who's tis?
You: I don't know.. someone was looking for andrew, so I thought I'd join in
Stranger: lol kl
Stranger: u found me

This house makes us all a little crazy.

A thought occurred to me earlier, but I forgot it.
So instead, I will entertain you with filler material designed to pacify you until a real post.

So, is it just me, or do you go pee a lot more often when you're sick?
Or maybe it's because I'm actually drinking water now.

water intoxication: A very real risk

I mean, I know people think it's hilarious when I say things like that, but when someone's passed out on the floor in a coma and/or dead from heart failure, no one's laughing anymore.
Remember kids, drink your water in moderation.

Things that Should never see the light of day: A list

1) Echoes from the Past: World History to the 16th Century textbook published by McGraw-Hill.
This was a waste of paper. One glance at the schools' curriculum would have informed the publishers that children would NOT be studying Meso-America, Asia, or the Middle East. I'm not saying that they're not worth studying, but now we are all stuck with 300+ pages to lug around and never read.

2) Tear-away pants. 'nuff said.

3) Dried Fruit. Who ever thought it would be a good idea to dry out a perfectly good piece of fruit in to a jerky-like appearance and a thoroughly disgusting texture has ruined my food for the last time. Sure, if it's dried, it keeps longer. But I'm sure people eat the fruit for its taste, otherwise, we'd all eat apples. What good is a plum after it's shriveled up into a sickening PRUNE?

4) Speaking of Prunes: What the hell is Prune Juice?

5) justfuckinggoogleit.com. Eat my shit Regina, I will not Google Prune Juice!

6) this. Could anything else scream "I would like to die because of Massive Heart Failure please!"?

7) Who the hell thought "Massive" would be a good medical description.
"So.. He died of head trauma?"
"No, MASSIVE head trauma. Jesus, I don't know how you could get any more head trauma, it was so traumatized its trauma had trauma."
"...oh. So, it was painless?"
"Does MASSIVE sound like painless to you?"

The Anti-Meme

Meet Zomby. He used to have a name, but now a days, he just says "BRAAAAIIINNNSSS"

Songs you never want to admit you like

Mine?

Garth Brooks - Low Places


Li'l Wayne- Get Low


Chris brown


B. Spears- Toxic


The bumblebee song


Yes it is true. I like the bumblebee.
What are your musical guilty pleasures?

Lack of Blogspiration leads to...

So...
If you had say.. relatively warm water on the bottom of the thermometer, and you stuck the top part into the snow (or stuck snow on the top part I guess) What would happen to the stuff inside?
I mean...
Would it form some kind of wormhole, where temperatures collide, cancel each other out, and create a void in the universe due to lack of temperature?
I mean.. Everything has a temperature. So if they canceled each other out, it would create an impossible loophole in all that is what it is, and a time traveling wormhole would open, allowing you to return to the 90's, steal all of Apple's ideas, and become rich. (Conversely, you could also go back and warn people about impending disasters that you've already know about, but no one's gonna believe you anyway, right?)

Or some much, much more boring answer.

It's a posting Rampage!

Today is the (unofficial) last day of school!
Mostly because no one goes on the actual last day anyways. It's just school custom.
So, today, I send out les presents.
My sack of wonders included:
-Gonorrhea (The microbe plushie, not the STD)
-Rabies (yet to be given)
-A scarf
-A CD+ gift receipt as I suspected (correctly) that she already had the CD
-A White Blood cell (Also the plushie, gone to Jess)
-A stack of pandas
-A box of Toblerone for everyone else.

Received to come later. Maybe.

In anycase My ex-neighbour is visiting from England, and will be coming skiing with me and Ray for the next 4 days.
AS MUCH AS I ENJOY HER COMPANY She drives me insane.
Monopoly: Gloats about how she has no curb to her spending and therefore owns my ass at it, and only plays monopoly to own my ass at it.
Yesterday: Threw stale marshmallows at my head, and apparently, and I am the "host" and she is like, twelve, I don't have the right to kick her ass for doing it. If this continues, I WILL kick her ass, and probably shove some snow down there while I'm at it. >(
Oh, and since she (finally) hit puberty/had a growth spurt, she is like 2 inches taller than me and she like to hold that over my head too (pun not intended). Of course, if anyone paid any attention to genetics, it'd be pretty obvious that she'll be taller than me.
Case and point?
I am going to kill someone if she does not become a better person soon.

DUN DUN DUNNNN

Shiying is on the loose.
With the discovery of Newmindspace, a world of possibilities have opened up.
The main one: I can accomplish the stuff on my list.

Remember my list?

Also: Revision. Masquerade will now be replaced by the Zombie Walk.

I finished my art!
The word is Smite.

A post, but not a post: The Deep End

STOLEN FROM JESS

1. Put your ipod on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got the note from

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Gasolina

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Self Esteem (LOL)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Henrietta

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Supersonic

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? It's time to Dance

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Freeway

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Lies :(

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Out of My Head

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Having to let go

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Shameless (LOL)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Dammit, I Changed Again

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Duality

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Guilty Pleasure (haha)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Ambience

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Over the Moon

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Destination Anywhere

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Black Hole

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Clouds Crash

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Alive Again (Zombie?)

HOW WILL YOU DIE? They Tried to Kill Chivalry (But We Brought it Back)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Change For Me

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Nothing Special

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? The Tease

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Franco- Unamerican

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? For the Girl

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Bruised

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Picture Day (Ha!)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? Yours to Keep

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Allison Krausse (LOL)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? The Deep End

Why is it that I have more "Random" posts than anything else?

Methinks I'll do another list.
Of the things I like on teh internetz.

Das Webcomics.
Questionable Content
XKCD
A Softer World
Cyanide and Happiness
Pictures for Sad Children
Left-handed toons (by Right-handed People)

Das Blags
Passive-Aggressive Notes
Fail Blog
Overheard in New York

Das Misc.
Instructables
FSM Forums
Snark Forums
Fresh off the Blog